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The Story Of Me (an autobiographical biography)

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Monday, May 23rd, 2016
1:45 pm - How Odd for a Monday
It's strange to me how insanely inadequate I feel today- like a 30 something who would be better at filling the role of an angsty teenager. I made one of my famously un-thought out attempts at self betterment, which once again left me with a nasty surge of intense failure. Well, technically not failure- just not really great at anything.

I look at myself now and barely get a glimpse of the person I was once, and yet there is still unfinished emotional business that needs to be tended too. There has to be a part of me that learns that failure is needed to grow- though I really haven't grown much in years. At least financially speaking.

Herein lies the problem, my career is so stagnant and what I love to do isn't yet paying the bills. I stupidly walked into a situation that I already knew the outcome, only to be reminded that I am not that good. Not awful, just not good. I know better than to do such things, and yet I did anyway.

Then, I placed trust in those whom it'd be better served to avoid- I cannot and should not have adult friends. Siblings can be a safe ground for the most part, but outside friends only lead to me feeling even worse. Once again, this isn't new- and yet, I always secretly hope I'll find connection with someone. I won't. I can't because to do so would mean changing huge aspects about myself that I don't encounter often enough to realize I need to work on... Until of course it's too late. :|

So tonight, my goal is to sleep and hopefully shake away the burden of my inadequacies. Maybe if I slowed down for a minute, I could recoup and move forward. Next time I think to do something this dumb, I tried to re-read the fact that I am not, and will never be worth more than where I am right now- and realize life as okay is better than putting my neck on the line for the off chance of improvement.

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Saturday, January 23rd, 2016
2:27 am - It's been a long time
And in fact rarely do I need to post here because rarely do I feel this way anymore, but here we are and here I am. Sitting, stewing really in a soupy hot bubble bath trying to get a grip on what the hell is going on with me. To be sure, I get winter blues every year, this isn't new, but I was startling unprepared for how furiously the beast showed itself in 2016.
2015 was an alright year, I finally got myself a fabulous new little car, which brings me an unnatural amount of happiness. I'm not materialistic, I don't seek out things ever, but this little dude drove into my life and it was love at first site. I still hear about the mistake I made buying that car, but something that makes me so happy can't be all that bad I figure!
My kids and family life were nice last year as well. The kids and I vacationed for a week, we did lots of runs and events, they continued to give me a sense of purpose far beyond what I might normally have. They are my rock.
I got certified as a personal trainer, and really began to embrace how amazing fitness is! I met new friends, learn new moves, and gained a level of strength I never thought possible. I felt like a rockstar on dec. 31. So what changed?
And here is where I am at right now. Low, really darn low, looking blankly at a girl who I don't recognize. She's fat, ugly, forgettable, weak, tired, and so damn alone. I have to do a double take, I don't have words to describe her. A disappointment to sit atop an accomplishment beyond anything I have done in a while. I'm dumbfounded, these feelings are like friends you see once every few years, but pick up right where you left off when you are together, so familiar... Like you've never been apart. Why? Why did this hit me so suddenly and why can't I shake it? It's been more than two weeks now, and getting up is becoming a chore, I have a deep rooted urge to run like hell, get away from it all and be myself- though right now I am just not sure who myself is. It is irrational how unwanted I feel right now, every person I see I feel the need to hide from, everyone is better than me. I see people from all walks of life, all ages, races, and I see how they are succeeding when I am failing, badly. I feel so weirdly alone, because this is all quite irrational. At worst, people just don't see me, they most likely don't even care. I'm certain they aren't laughing, so why does it feel like they are? Why do I feel like I'm a burden to everyone, like the world would carry on so smoothly and without a hitch if I simply wasn't. Why is there no in between sometimes? To be smiling while wishing this all would stop now, the thoughts, the self loathing, the desire to hide, why now?
Here's my thoughts on it. I need a major life evaluation. I know what I am meant to do with my life and I know how to get there, but there are major obstacles! There are major risks involved and I would need to push myself harder than I ever have, I'm the only one who can make it reality, but I have kids to support and a household to run. I see there are people who have done it and made it to the other side, but I have no idea how. Right now I feel like I have no one by my side, maybe I don't need anyone, but I feel like it would help. To be encouraged and loved while working toward my ultimate goal that I naively walked away from over a decade ago. To help those in my old shoes living a life of despair because they to feel they'll never live up to their own mile high standards. I know it's what I am meant to do and if I can do it, it may help make sense of my 17 years battle with bulimia. It's something I know I'd be excellent at, that I have a passion for, and that not doing will seriously set my future on a path I'd rather it not go.
So why can't I kick my butt into over drive and go? Is it I just have too much on my plate? Am I afraid of failure? Do I not have a good support network? I don't know, but I wish I did. Where I am at is a loathsome place to be, and doubting everything I do will only make it worse. I need to get past this, and soon....

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Wednesday, February 11th, 2015
11:09 pm - I just can't sleep
Lord I am frustrated right now. Completely overwhelmed by where I am at at the moment, and unable to sleep because my mind is racing. There is so much I want to say, but am stopped due to the fact that I already know the responses of what I want to say. I'm silenced into anger- afraid that when it finally comes out, I won't have a job anymore. I need a change, I have been putting out my resume, with no response- I have too much at stake to not work, but to much to lose if I put up with this much longer. I am at a loss, and I know the breaking point is just around the corner. I need a plan of action, I need to do something so drastically different then where I am at right now.
I thought this was going to be the answer, and I just couldn't have been more wrong.
What do I do now? I'm not sure yet... But I have to get sleep first-

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Monday, February 2nd, 2015
11:21 pm - la blah
So I sit in my ever present quandry that has become my daily routine. Torn by the desire to quit or carry on, trying hard to focus on that which makes me feel good as opposed to falling into old habits... I'm not doing so great. 2015 has gotten off to a rough start, all related to work and work alone- I've let it drag me to my dark zone, where bulima and self destruction show their smiling faces- a zone which I had all but squashed throughout 2014. I cannot let myself give up, but I am seriously struggling to go on as normal. This is truly a unique circumstance for me because it is the only facet in my life where unhappiness reins. I've been seriously considering anti-depressants. They seem like the lesser of my current evils- xanax has been giving me my daily push, and on multiple occasions, one hasn't been enough. I've purged more times this year then the last 8 months combined, and cigarettes are trying to muscle into my daily routine. I can't quite express the rage I'm feeling from the let down. I know I haven't been spectacular, but I didn't expect this- with no warnings and no sitdowns before being told it was a mistake hiring me for this position. What motivation does that give me to try? Why would I care to prove myself when 8 months of working there got me nowhere? When I've only heard the negatives, so it's easy to assume there are no positives. I KNOW that isn't true, but that's only speaking for myself, and if I can't convince anyone otherwise, what good am I? I need to force myself to strive to be better, but not at the cost of my happiness. No job is worth my life. I feel like I was sold shit- this was a letdown painted in gold. The money is decent- but I'm not the most money motivated- I am VERY motivated by the feelings of being trusted and relied on. That, I am not... Sigh.

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Wednesday, January 28th, 2015
11:07 pm - A day in the life
Hell I am angry, so damn angry, I have to write about it.
Stupid, I feel stupid for believing this place would be better, amazing even.
I was wrong.
It's a joke and I am the butt of it, set up for failure by someone who has never seemed to want me to succeed, and now I won't.
And I know it's up to me to push past, and I will with a couple of pills and a nap.
Being an adult in this day in age is awesome- if you don't want to feel, you don't have to. There is a fix for that.
Sometimes I wonder if it's healthy to have a job that has pushed me to the brink of pill abuse... but not quite, not yet.
And then there's this- over the last few weeks, I've purged twice. No big deal save I was at the year mark.
I purge when I start losing myself, I purge when I need to feel grounded, when I need to feel like myself again, when time needs to stop and I can focus... For one fleeting moment, on the glorious and intensely painful damage I can inflict on myself still. Nearly 20 years after the start.
It's a battle, a constant battle- I can still succeed, but it may not be so easy now.
Because I am the queen of this castle.
Because the home I provide would crumble without me paying the bills.
Because without Becki this world I've created crumbles.
I've allowed myself to take on responsibilities that have pushed me to a hollow edge.
One that's way to easy to leap off of.
And there is my secret- on days like this, in a life that I have created quite nicely.
Where I excel at so much.
Where I learn with ease.
Where I run for joy.
Where I parent with love.
Where I strive for perfection.
A bullet in the brain still seems like an alternative to it all.
Not always but sometimes this creeps up.
Tonight is one of those nights.

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Monday, November 10th, 2014
10:10 pm - So like...
Obviously I don't post all that often, so much happens daily, yet unlike the traumatic ups and down of yesteryears, it all blurs together in a strange wash of color and memories.
Life has been interesting this year. I started a new job, began running (HA, ya- me!) Have only purged twice, and am really beginning to feel as if out of the ashes of a fallen girl has risen an adult woman... at least most of the time. I started this journal 14 years ago tonight, and I feel a strange disconnect from that person who started typing so many years ago. Don't get me wrong, those struggles made me who I am today- my kids, my life- and yet, I can picture myself hiding in my parents basement, so alone and angry at the world, I just want to slap her and yell TRY AND SEE PAST THIS!
I realized this year that I am very much an in the present sort of person, but at that time in my life, I couldn't make sense of the present. It was confusing, I wanted to live and die daily. A confusing flip flop of emotions that still exist, but oh so much more mild now.
And here we are, my daughter on the cusp of her teenage years, and I can't help but wonder what the teenage years and future will be like for her. I need to be encouraging, I need to try and connect, I feel like my struggles can be used to help others get through that era of life so much more smooth... But yet I also have to accept the fact that I am on the other side now, and now I "just don't understand".
I think you are my secret place to show I really do understand, and I much get it.
I do need to write more (like an old friend who I will try to see more often), If not to keep up with my boring day to day life, than to help my next generation see that my struggles are real- and that life does get better.
It's weird to no longer feel true depression, and like the wizard of oz, I think I had the power the world time.... I just didn't see it.

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Friday, June 20th, 2014
10:31 pm - thoughts in june
It's been a while, obviously... I never post like I should, but I am in deep thought tonight and felt the need to write it out. What you ask? well, I have to say I have been celebrating my year mark in being Bulemia free, hooray. but to get here I have had to work my butt off and admit to myself that I will never and have never been pretty. It's depressing, but really doesn't alter who I am or effect much in the way of my life, it's just something I have to let go of. It's so weird as I grow older and realize I am past the point where I can hide this behind a skinny body or revealing clothes, past the point where I soothe the pain by starvation, or the opposite, past the point of not accepting myself and yet..... Sometimes it does make me a little sad. I go to look online for a snippet or an idea of who I can compare myself too, for no reason other than a gauge of where I stand on the not pretty scale (like, I know I'm not ugly) but there is no comparison to be found. I am too smart to be confused by all the ads, yet here I am. I am not a 'real' woman because I am not fat. I'm not even ok with people being fat, fat is wrong, but it's real, something to cheer behind, something people rally for. I am not beautiful, I am not skinny. These women are elavated to a godlike scale, where people see nothing but the shell of the person they are. It's not really a category I'd ever aspire to be in (especially now that I am a bit aged). But what fills the gap? There's thousands of mes out there but it's so hard to find us boring, not fat, not skinny, not real, not beautiful, not curvy, not model women.

And I don't know why I care tonight...

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Tuesday, December 31st, 2013
12:42 pm - 2013 year end review
Well, the year is wrapping up and I have to say I'm bummed I didn't post more often. This journal is my journey, an invaluable look into a life that at one point, I truly didn't feel like one worth living. 2013 has brought about a total change in who I am and who I strive to be, it has to be my most positive year to date!
First and foremost I believe I've finally sent Mia packing- my longest relationship to date, I finally matured enough to realize good habits make it far easier to maintain a healthy look and weight. It takes daily food journals to fend her off and very few visits to the scale, but since may I've thrown up less then 5 times while maintaining 135 ish. This to meis the biggest success of my life!
Next my homelife- PJ and I both had our best year today financially and in my opinion as a couple as well (could there be a corralation?). Molli is in third grade, vince in K- which I doubt will ever stop weirding me out, even into their adulthood. They are amazing kids- I try to make our time together count as it's becominh all to apparent that childhood is short, how quickly they grow up and become their own people, it just doesn't feel like I have much time to help them grow as they are already so big!! We even took our first family vacation this year- a week in Florida with the kids- it was splendid. We even drove with little complaint from the mini's and how amazing it was to see them own a beach! Hopefully there are many more vacations to come.
The down side of this year has to be the loss of my grandma, my great aunt and Pjs grandma. Marie dying was just odd- we were never super close, but she was a staple of my childhood. There was always something comforting knowing she was around, they odd security blanket is gone now- which was a crushing blow to my grasp on childhood. Then came grandma. I don't have a lot to say about her loss, it was completely expected and not- I was sure she'd live to her late 90s. Her death actually pulled my family together in ways it had never been before, and despite the pain of her loss, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
-Andy and amanda announced they are pregnant
-Amy and kevin left Florissant
-Ma and pa moved from the apartment to the house
-Pj and I both stayed at the same places of employment
-I went to MO, IL, TN, KY, GA, IN, FL- i do have a Texas trip planned soon also.
-No new car :(
-Still at my rental
-Adopted Rocko
-Ellen had Zoe, though we still don't talk...

I'd say that's a pretty good review :) I'll try to post more in 2014!!!

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Friday, January 18th, 2013
10:26 pm - I missed the yearly update
So here it is, 2013, and as always I haven't posted in a while. Not really sure why except the fact that life has not only been very uneventful, but also I am just about never alone. I have finally got to a point in my life that I no longer dread the stretch of just me and the kids (Yea, there was a time I did) But it also results in me just not wanting to type personal stuff very often. 2012 Could possibly be one of the most uneventful years ever- Very very forgettable. I went no where, did next to nothing, and managed to finish off the year pretty much where I started. PJ and I decided to give it another go, but I assume I have posted about that somewhere along the way. I went back to boeing, but once again, I figure there is probably record of that... Not like it's stuff that I really need help remembering, but I guess you just never know.
I'll still struggle with weight, though I won't weigh myself right now because I know I have gained too much weight. The shit thing is, I have been throwing up a lot lately and it seems to do nothing... Except my lower back hurts a lot. I have to admit, there is a small part of me that worries about the potential that I have managed after many many years to actually do some damage to my body... But another part of me just feels like it hasn't been constant enough throughout the last several years to do permanent damage.
I often think that maybe I'll grow out of it, and when I feel like I may be close, I end up right back where I am now, though I am freaked out about this pain enough to give myself a forced rest for a day or two...
Otherwise, I did find out Mindy is a junkie, that's been shitty. I don't want to hang around her, I'm scared of losing here. That has been one of the lower points of the year- that and all the ellen bullshit (who is pregnant again....)
Molli went off the diving board for the first time, which I find SUPER, I was so proud of her... She's turning out to be an amazing kid, though she certainly has inherited some of my nerves and I firmly believes she has anxiety issues, which sucks.
Vin will be five in a few short weeks as well..... That's just crazy to me- time just keeps marching on!

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Saturday, November 10th, 2012
7:01 pm - 12 years
Well, it's my 12 year anniversary of having a Livejouranl..... Yea, 12 years, it's kind of in sane how the same I feel after all these years and yet... I know I am older. I often wonder when I'm suppose to start feeling like an adult, when do you feel old? Here I am less than a day away from 30 and yet... Nothing. I'll have to update as to whether or not anything boss happens tomorrow. I really doubt it, I'm usually the one to pull out all the stops to make the special day special... But we'll see. Really- 30.. how odd.

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Friday, August 3rd, 2012
11:06 pm - Back from break
As always with the super great becki, I am back from break, you think you'll never see me again, and then... I reappear. Life has been what life always is and that's that. There have been lots of ups and downs at the job, I'm supposin it'll do for now... Yet everyday my need to own a vegan bistro grows. I need to start throwing myself into it will all I have and see if I can start any kind of headway, and maybe if nothing else, at least do some research on some ideal spots and cost analysis. I'm tired, so I need to be forgiven if I go typo crazy, I just feel the need to post at least something so I see there is some record of my existence during the summer. No where near as interesting as last summer.... But living nonetheless, right?
there's that

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2012
11:14 pm - I'm down
What a surprise, right? It's so strange how damaged I feel right now, that something split inside of me, and the part of me that was always smiling to the rest of the world is somehow broken. I was too trusting of everyone in my life at one point or another, now it's complete confusion. I can't get this one, I can't see the other point of view. My appetite is waning, my emotions are draining, I have this familiar urge to run. To run and not look back, to begin a life I've never had or to give myself a chance to be nothing more than self sufficient. It's such an unrealistic goal, but it sounds so warm, so comforting. Once again, I naively put my faith in the wrong people, and once again i lashed out. I had to, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I couldn't focus. There are no winners and losers, just losers, and I am the biggest one of all. Everyone always thinks they have the answers, everyone always knows their knowledge is the right knowledge... So few look at the prospect that maybe they are wrong. I believe more than anything that ellen and nathan needed to learn, needed to do this on their own, but no... And in me standing my ground, everything collapsed around it. I still have my ground, my little section of the world I created, but everyone outside that small bubble is a blur right now. People I may have ran to before, I stare at with grim reproach, how will this person hurt me, I wonder. Nothing does me as good as feeling like I have been a burden, and in my past being shoved in my face, the emotion surges with a new strength. If i could shed my name and become one of the characters I have created, if i could look in the mirror and have the super strength of the world staring back at me, could i erase all the memories and become a child again. What if I have no regrets because I have learned my very existence is a regret, what if the raging anger i have felt is a suppressed surge of the lack of caring I received most of my childhood. How much of who i am is a damaged version of the baby I was? And what purpose do I serve? My thought is now, that i need to guard myself and my children, as if god himself has become a foe to me and I need to do nothing but preserver and protect. There's so much thought that comes with blinding rage, so much hurt. I feel like I am in a tornado, there's a chance I'll come out unscathed, but only if i can produce a stronger force than the twister i am surrounded by. Maybe I am the regret of my parents. Maybe I was damned from the get go. I've felt so out of place lately, I can't know what the best thing to do is, even if my life depends on it. I feel lost. To lost, this has got to stop or i have no clue what's going to happen. I feel so defensive now, nearly paranoid, who else is going to try to take from my small reserve. It's a learned response, Everyone knows i will give until i have nothing more to give, and I've reached that point time and time again. And now i have nothing left to offer, and now no one wants me. That's how it works I suppose....

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Monday, May 28th, 2012
9:56 pm - Well
I guess that is a good word to describe this situation, I'm fucking tired of being the one who should "understand" and I'm tired of being the one who always is expected to forgive. It's not that I want to do anything to ellen and her "wonderful" husband, I just want them permenatly out of my life. There's a line they decided to shit on, and that's all. Great, so now my mom and gma are pissed at me. I'm sorry, was I not the one who took them into my homw, was i not the one who let them get away with paying very little to have most of my house, was I not the one who let my kids get belittled and yelled at, just to make their life easier? There's nothing to forgive... She's never been a part of my life til now, she never will be again. Good riddance, but.... breaking into my house when i am not home surely breaks the rule of "I will always try for the nicest solution" and if nobody else gets that, let them hate me too.

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Monday, April 16th, 2012
11:49 pm - The impressions
I find it odd and rather ponderable that once someone has cozied themselves into my mind, once I have an idea of who that person is, who is underneath the cover of daily life, I can't seem to move away from said opinion. there are several people in my life I wonder about often, all lost to me now, but at one time... Were very close to me. The rumors, the words about these people are meaningless, and they could tell me to fuck off time and time again, and I would never fully leave because... well, that's where I am stuck. I thrive off life stories, off the snippet of the world we can only get through other peoples eyes... People have a strange tendency to open up to me in ways I could never image, people tell me things maybe I'd be better left without, but in these insights, I get glimpses into a person in a perfect world. Who would you be without the daily dredge that is life, who would you be without the comforts and strains of what has become normal to you?? Is it possible I can decipher some of these questions based on nothing other then peoples flaws and shortcomings... Or maybe it's the reaction, the confessions that give away the person underneath. I believe you can't look at someone who is doing harm to themselves and/or others and judge blindly. There's a past that has led up to that point, a past most people are willing happily to over look and only focus on the now... I rarely focus on the now... Someone isn't who they are today based on what happened today. It's days, months, years of stories behind each and every soul. If I were to think I have a gift, that would be what it is. I try to look beyond the face talking to me, imagine their family christmases, their first day of school, I imagine their first car, their first love. What was their first sexual experience, were they afraid, are they afraid of showing themselves. What is it about our past that so few want to know about. It's true it's unchangable, but is it not also true that it is the dough that formed who we are now? I never shy away from telling my inner stories, and in return, i been blessed (or cursed) tenfold. I'd go to install a computer and find out about someones dream car, their child dying, their divorce. I sat on airplanes and heard stories of abuse and triumph, heard tales at the grocery store about someone who'd just been in a car accident, just had a baby or a miscarrige... It's all life, and it seems so many want to open up and so few ears want to hear. With mindy, she was the best friend I could ever have. Her story would fill my journal tenfold, and yet... Am I suppose to look away until she dies? Is that what the right thing to do is, or could I find a way to make her see that she is worth it, and despite a horrid past, she can close a glass door to it. I know it's possible, she can't hide it, but she doesn't need to open it either. No one knows her like I do, no one else wants to stand by her side, I've always been willing. I've noticed this crap has got me into rather annoing situations also. If I could change one thing about what happened with me and T, that would be it. He opened up to me much like everyone else does, maybe I was just needed to get the shit out he needed to say, sometimes holding things in is like a giant confession wanting to get out. I think about it a lot. Because in letting people open up, I open myself up too... And sometimes people don't want what comes behind my 30 year old body, sometimes people don't want my stories and my struggles.... If there is one lesson I am trying to keep in my heart it would be to do things for people and help people as much as possible for the joy of doing it but.... Never never ever expect it in return, I believe there isn't anyone I have met yet who is quite like me... Which is a good thing, and a bad thing. Two people of my mindset, two people with this peculiar insight, two people always willing to look deeper would disrupt the flow of the world. Maybe there is one me per ever so many miles and we can't seem to stay in touch for more then a second... I'm sure we'd create magic, a utopia of the open minds... And in doing that.... Hmmm

current mood: thoughtful

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Thursday, April 12th, 2012
9:11 pm - New
Things are so new... so weird. This is about the end of my first week at my new job, and I hope I continue to enjoy it as much as I do now. Working for a small company make things so different, I do actually matter. My suggestions can help change a whole a product, my support can affect who we retain... It's so weird. I have a buisness look, have to give off a buisness vibe, and I have to say the feeling is totally new to me. I am actually proud of myself, how flawlessly I have made my transition, and I can't help but look around and wonder how I got here. I didn't do anything special to get where I am at, I have just been me, a very determined me, but me nonetheless. It's compelling how obvious it is that my determination and drive got me where I am at right now, and I have to take a step back and realize that not everyone can do what I have done, and not everyone can push themselves like I have.... through it all I am forced to admit that I am better then I have given myself credit for in the past. I know many folks who actually did complete high school, some even college that do not have what I have (not material things) It's very strange to me. Believe in myself............. Is this something that I am capable of, or is it another small break between breakdowns. I am always drwan to the latter half of 2011. I thought honestly the if ever I was to snap, it'd be then. A few select people kept me going, but I suppose that is the disadvantage of where I am at. Each and every time I hit a low, I find it harder and harder to talk about, like I need to live up to this ideal that people have of me that I am the cheerful chipper person they always see. Int his facebook world, in this buisness world, in this fast paced world, we are not suppose to slice open out bodies and let our souls bleed.... but we all need to, I need. here my dear LJ, you will never judge me, look down on my or expect too much from me. Dangit, you keep me going to but... Also keep me tied to that damaged 17 year old I was when I created you. don't think I haven't thought about deleting this.... but not yet, maybe never, I draw to much from reading the past... and as I always tell you, it's forever proof I've beat the odds before.

current mood: optimistic

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Monday, April 2nd, 2012
9:41 pm - Another turn in the road
So this is my last week working for boeing. That's something I am both super excited for, and also a little depressed. I know it's really what I want to do, but as everyone knows about me, I really do fear change. There is always that small thought, the scare that this is somthing tha tI will not be able to do well, a fear I had with every new job I have ever started. I know I will do this well, but lordy I am going to miss everyone I have met along the way at boeing. It's funny to me that I am about the only one there that really wasn't looking to much to find a new job, I was complacent, but the advantages of this new opportunity far outweigh the disadvantages, I will finally be able to see a doctor again, I will finally know how much my checks are going to be for, no more fear of only getting a few hundred bucks, no dry spell for christmas. And although I was lamenting not having the break between christmas and new years, normally by the end of that break, I feel really useless. I know that I will be my hardest critic on the road ahead, I beat myself up more then anyone else could, I hope I can relax a bit and just have fun. I am hoping to streat school this summer, if I am making forward progress toward my future, I know it will give me more momentum now.
Pj and I are doing well, I am cautiously optimistic about us. Sure this is yet another reconnection of a broken chain, but maybe there is a reason for all this, maybe all this had to happen to get me over a major hurdle I have within myself. I am making progress, I can tell. 2011 changed me profoundly in ways that I never thought possible, and yet... I think in the end, all the changes are for the positive, no longer do I blindly take advice, no longer do I nod my head in agreement even if i don't agree. My lows haven't been as low. I have also begun making peace with parenting, which is something I never thought I would do. I am the first to admit I have feared the times that the kids and I have endless days with just us. I am trying with a decent amount of success to face this head on. It's a journey I often have to traverse solo, but I have to say, the fact that pj actually seems to want to help more has helped a lot. We are like magnets toward each other, sometimes we are drawn together with intensity, but occasionally the other side is turned and no force in the universe will push us together. I am not sure if it's a good thing or not, maybe I don't really care. We get along well right now, so I will count my blessings, and at the same time harden myself just a bit and slightly prepare for the downfall. It may or may not come, but I am not an idiot, and I will do what is bewst for me, because I am the main thing I need to focus on (the kids are a close second, but I need to make sure I am who I need to be to be the best parent I can be for them.) So life moves on. I'm a little fearful of summer, there are so many stinking memories i still deal with on a daily basis. From the awful moment where I found out about pj and steph, to the eventual downfall of travis and I, it all still pops in my head often. Swallowing it all has been hard to say the least. I hope as the days go on it will all fade into a minimal scar, though I doubt I will ever fully recover from it all. My hope is that years from now I can come back and read my journal with a silly smile while thinking how much better my life is now then it was then. It'll happen if I let it, and I am really gunna try. This is all I got, I gotta make the best of it, I just hope that I can try and keep passing ships in my life as positive as possible. Some will stay near and others will keep on sailing, but only I can know which is best.

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2012
12:03 am - Posting a ramble
So I kinda feel like this may be important for me now, and hopefully in the future, so I really do hope to do it more often. I need to start fully disecting and accepting myself, who I am and what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be more positive, selfishly, for me. I know my kids should be the goal, and ultimately, I believe they will be, for being a true functioning adult should and hopefully will in turn lead us to be a more complete and happy felling. Funny, lots of this started with my coworker pointing out that all I ever want to do is nap or sleep. I have to admit, I am guilty of this, and even moreso, I have to admit the reason I have been so dedicated to sleeping lately. Time, passage of it, and the idea that eventually it will be my downfall is the biggest reason. I have nothign to look forward to, so I sleep, nothing going for me, so I sleep, the desire to pass what time I have in a state of unconscienceness is overwhelming. Sleep is an outlet to which I am addicted. I play out my days, my memories or my stories in my head as I wait for that moment where all is released and I am passed out. Ultimately, I feel it is a deathwish. Why? Why is it that I feel each and everyday that I am on a path leading me straight toward the edge. It's not really thoughts of suicide so much as it is the desire just to get this over with. What could possibly be my reasoning for depriving myslef the desire to live? It's leading to a rebirth of my eating issues, leading to a rebirth of self loathing and a rebirth of the feeling that the only true happiness I will ever feel is by giving someone else something I know I myself will never recieve. It's not really living at all. I strive to go to work each day, but when I amthere, I find myself drifting towards the desire to be home, to once again be sleeping, it really is the only place right now I feel really comfortable... I need to know the answer. I find myself drifting towards and resurrecting the summer fling that has admittedly left me more damaged than I would like to admit. I'm not going to say it shouldn't have happened, but why did I let it haunt me even to this day. When travis said I was an addict, he was truely accurate, but I'm sure he knew little about what it was I was searching for in my addiction, or what my addiction actually was. I say first and formost, even from very early on, it wasn't him I was after, it was the abandon he gave me, the fact that I was happy in our time together, and that is something I can say I have never really felt. But it wasn't him that was making me happy, it was me, he just happened to be the outlet for the joy I was finally letting myself feel. When he was out of the picture, I worried, accurately, that I would no longer let myself smile, cause without the gentle push he provided, I felt I would slip right back into the rut I had or have grown so accustomed to. Self loathing and eating... these are my addictions. I need to feel like less of a person then maybe I should because it is where I am most comfortable. If I strive toward nothing, I can't lose can I? If I no I am out only to make other peoples lives worth while, then who cares if I never strive toward the stars, if I give my all to everyone else, yet die in the process, is that not martyrdom, is that not truely divine? It delves into that glorious question of what life is actually about and what is successful. What is the purpose, who sets the rules... are there any rules? Morals, kindness, the golden rule... Aren't these all man made ideals that are set up simply to make coexistance easier? A part of me, a cynical side has to agree, but looking at the bigger picture, looking at the world, there certainly is a preditor and prey system, but it functions on such a fluid scope of natural harmony. Are morals mans interpration or nature? What I say, my beliefs, and maybe what I do to survive are my personal standars, they are what I expect out of life, and no one else's. It's an odd concept to grasp, but it's my own, so I really do need to. Discovering my personal meaning of life is the set of standards I need to live by, and it's the only way I will flourish. This summer I did get to see what that happy thing was all about, and I am incensed with myself that I often believe it isn't possible for me to ever feel that way again... Why wouldn't it be unless I am keeping myself from discovering it? If I met a guy and fell for him, why couldn't I do it again. I feel like my psat is a burden, who could read this wonderful journal and not think I was crazy? But I'm not. I suppose if someone really loved me, they would be able to accept about me what it is I can't change, and maybe, hopefully, want to work with me to change the things I can. The past is over, there is no dwelling. On that, I am striving. It surely would have been nice to have more answers from Travis... Or so I think, but even that I question now. I think it took me understanding that it wasn't him that made me feel, but myself, and quite possibly his answers were as useless as dwelling on the past. He didn't love me, I thought I loved him... It was not an equal plane. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't love me... And that's that. Then I think to pj and his role in my life past, present and future. I have taken note that the closer him and I get, the more ravenous my eating disorder becomes.... Why is that? Is it I am falling back into my caretaker role, that I am regressing? That the closer I get to that life again, the further I get from the happiness I now know is possible? How he acts when I mention paul kills me. Chosing between a friend and an estranged husband is beyond uncomfortable. I love them both in very different ways. I am almost 30, why should I have to choose? I can't and won't, friendships can be hard to come by, I can't lose a friend... I won't. I miss texting travis. More than anything him and I had, I miss the friendship. I often wonder if we would've controlled ourselves, if we could've learned more from each other than we did. I bet so. We both opened ourselves up, both showed our flaws, and seemingly, both enjoyed talking about ways to change, or to be better people. That's really what I have hated losing... The thought of losing paul too, I just don't wanna deal with that. Realationships, I have learned, need to be entered with caution, and as of right now, I just don't think I am comfortable with myself in life to accept another into my arms... I'd much rather just have em by my side. Which leads me to another point. Drugs, specifically weed. I seem incapable of finding friends that don't get high... Frequently. I find myself slipping in that regard too (although no where near everyday), but I'm not sure why. It seems to me almost a 'if you can't fight em, join em' attitude. Everyone I know that smokes daily seems to think this is a wonder drug. No one admits it's addicting, no one sees any issue with doing it daily. I almost wanted to again, one because it reminds me of the good old days when I did have piles and piles of friends, and two because so many people seem to free themselves of meaningful thought when they are high (though on this point I have to argue, at least for me, my anxities come back tenfold the next day, which is why I suppose so many people do it sun up to sun down) No one seems to have a legit reason for their daily smoking, yet oftentimes have no desire not to. I don't really get it. But maybe I need to stop trying to get it. It's not me, they are not me. Travis isn't me, jim isn't me, paul isn't me, pj isn't me... I am me. I find fault in it for my own personal reasons. I believe altering your state of mind daily is an excellent way to avoid what it is you need to be facing up to whether or not you even see it. When I first started smoking again, it was a great way to help me sleep. Why wasn't I sleeping? I had to much on my mind, why did I have to much on my mind? Cause a lot was happening and I could only deal with so much at a time. Smoking and sleeping was and sometimes is far easier than planning for tomorrow... And in the end tomorrow's planning is up to me and only me, and I feel it may just be time I step up to the challange and take the reigns....

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Saturday, December 31st, 2011
1:18 am - The end of 2011
Ah dear journal, we have reached yet another end of the year report, though admittedly, I forgot to post one for 2010. 2011... what is there to say about this year? Well, I declare it has to be a lot, one of the most up down, rollar coaster year of my life. We welcomed the 11th grandchild into the benz clan, ellen gave birth to baby cross when I was in charleston in june, they also moved in with me, so now I have almost 2 full families living in my house!!! I traveled a lot! Texas, Kentucky, Missouri, illinios, tenessess, south carolina, indiana, colorado, arkansas, arizona, utah and washington. I went to washington obviously to persue a doomed realationship that began on the atlantic coast in late june, and lasted till the beginning of september. Mr. Laginess turned out to be a bit of a butt, though admittedly, I still think about him a little too often. I have no way to prevent him from sneaking into my dreams, and giving me little night time memories that I would rather be dead and gone (i think). PJ cheated on me this year with his dear ex steph... Once again, a doomed realationship, but it has led to me being separated yet again, and yea, that's twice in the last three years. We are sorta back together, but not really i suppose. He lives in his own place now, but unfortunately, lost his and our dog companion, boris, to an unknown ailment just yesterday. I oficially took over the Malibu, but once again, no new car to speak of :-( (oh lancer, how I miss you... travis taught me that the only value in life comes from nice things, and my nearly 30,ooo dollar car was surely nice... though that lesson is actually bullshit, but I suppose it varies for eveyone.) I am still throwing up, but not as often, though I have to say, it has been in overdrive since this break from work started, I'm sure it'll chill out once I get back! Vince turned 3, but he's just weeks away from being four, molli not only started 1st grade, but she turned 7. (AHHH, Where has the time gone!?!?) I'm still living in my rental house, still employed at RMS, though this is the first year of my life I have had an income greater then 40k, which is something I am somewhat proud of! Bill no longer works with me, but I have moved on, and it doesn't bother me so much as it use to! I worked a lot in charleston this year, helping set up the 787 plant, met tons and tons of people, I have smiled and cried more than ever probably. I could never forget the dream that began and ended in south carolina... the ocean, the beach still may just be my favorite place, though I also saw both the mountains and puget sound, which was beyond amazing! I think I fully fell in love this year too, which turned out to be something maybe better left for the dreamers. It was amazing while it lasted, I never will forget me on his back running sown the moonlit beach then dancing, laughing, it was truly a fucking dream.... and dreams, likeyears, always have to come to an end. What should I do with all the emotions I have aquired over 2011? I have no idea, though I have got some new friends out of it, oh yea, I got tp see pete for the first time in like a decade too, which was really really cool! Shannon Pease and ms. Jess had their first baby, which is way cool as shannon said he would never ever had kids! I have driven (out of the normal cars I drive) A charger, an escape, an impala, a lacrene, a benz, an aveo, and a focus (weird!) and I have driven probably less then any other year of my life. All in all, I'll be happy to put this year behind me, I really hope I can a start a new in 2012, and fully grasp what it is i am intended for here on the glorious planet earth! If I think of anything else, I'll surely add it later, but since this journal is my own personal journey, I doubt I'll forget anything else worth mentioning.... I just like to have records :-)

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Sunday, December 11th, 2011
10:41 pm - acknowledge
I spot her in the corner, as if she hadn't always been there... I wasn't surprised, she's been waiting a while, like an old lost love who quietly waits for the moment, the opportunity. She smiles cooly, I glance away nervously... how could I embrace her again when it's been so long, how could I let her into my life, my body, my head? Could I forget the snippets of glorious satisfaction of the life without her? How could I forget that I have prospered without her, even moved on maybe... and yet, there she is, now just out of arms length, eyelashes batting gingerly, her hand inches from mine. " I'm always here for you" she soothes, knowing full and well I've had a bad week. " I know" my flat voice resonates, temptation at my fingertips... I want her, I've always wanted her. "Life without me, she callously inquires, how is it? Her gentle voice possess a dominating air, " do you enjoy it?" I shrug, I don't know how to answer. Maybe I miss her too much, maybe she knows that. We dance, I sense she can guess how I feel, how I want her so bad it hurts. " I saw you" she continued" feeling your hips your ribs, I saw you measuring your legs, was I mistaking, was I not being summonsed here?" I self consciously grab myself and withdrawal ... why was she always waiting for me... could an alcoholic never have a beer ever? Could a heroin addict never have a shot... can I not just have a taste? Just a feel? Maybe I just want to feel the bones for a second, I don't think I can fight her again. When she's good to me, I feel so amazing, but when she starts dominating me, nothing else in my life matters but her. Everything sits on the back burner as I let her lead me down a path to hell. I run away, but she's in hot pursuit, screaming as the wind rips through the long tresses of my rusty black hair. " who never turns her back on you huh? Who never ignores you, never lies to you? Who has never left you alone at night? Never left you wondering if you're good enough? Who holds you when you're down? Shows you the way to medicate the pain, never resents you when you leaves, always welcomes you back no matter how many times you turn away? Who has been with you longer then anyone ever becki??? Who?" Her beautiful voice didn't skip a beat... I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes shutting tightly as I try desperately to catch my breath. She's right of course, that beautiful seductress, that wonderful angel of death who always asks me to give her just a little. Cautiously I take a step toward her. " last year with you was hell!!!! Didn't you see me writhing, couldn't you tell my pain? I have kids mia, I can't run to you everytime I hurt just a little! How can I feel whole with you controlling me??"
" how can you feel whole without me?" She knows my weaknesses, plays on em. " think of the people who always hurt you, never want you, cheat on you... did they make you feel whole? Did they make you happy?"
" once in a while, or once upon a time... yes" I'm losing the fight.
" and then?"
" I turn to you..." my eyes lower, my back sags a limitless, my hands play nervously with the ends of my hair..
" walk beside me luv" she reaches her hand toward mine.
" no promises," I sigh as we begin to walk in step.
" not from me becki," she looks deep into my dulling eyes, the greeshish marbles that lead straight to my soul. " just you and me?" Her whisper is sexually charged, raspy.
" just you and me babe..." I trail off as we traverse into the night. It's a road I shouldn't be walking, a road so well worn I can see fresh footprints from just a few months back, I know it so well, but I don't care. Together we've been for so long, how could I deny this gift?
Yes, I'm addicted to her, nothing else but her. I can't promise a full commitment, I don't even have to try... it is what it is, and nothing more... no worries though, she loves me and I her. Loves really all I've ever needed. Just to be loved.

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4:05 am - countinued
Stupid words really. Some were truthful, but the grand finale was, by far, the most prolificcaly asinine words I have ever heard. I threatened his shell of a life, threw in his face the insecurities he always spoke of, and though it was mean as hell for me to do, I needed to see some emotion regarding me, no matter good or bad. Why? Because I can't stand the notion that I might have meant something to him and he was holding back.... turns out, I didn't mean anything to him, and in fact, there's a real possibility I was a prop to fill the emptiness he felt from yet another departure of heather. His beautiful girlfriend. I don't know much about her. I can't hate the girl, though he did use to tell horror stories of how awful she was... I suspect now it was a lame way to get me to think he didn't like her. I wouldn't have cared actually, it was off putting how quickly he seemed to shed his 6 years with her. I never let him doubt my pain from what happened with PJ, maybe it was a turnoff, but he needed to know that I was hurting. I wasn't going to pretend it didn't happen or that it didn't affect me when it most certainly did. If he really did love me, he'd have understood that. In the end, my final lash out, I just wanted him to hurt, I wanted him to feel even an ounce of the pain I did, I wanted him to hate me, because the other option was living in hope that one day let me be a part of his life again. In texts, it's too easy to misinterpret what you're trying to say, and it's to easy to disregard emotion, or to simply read the words in whomevers voice you want to hear. No longer was it becki and Travis, it was phone verses phone, words verses words... and I truly resented that. If I could've felt the indifference in his voice, I would've left him be, but the resounding I love you... his last words to me as Travis... would not shut up. In a way, I really hated him for that, he said he ruined something beautiful that we had ... but never eluded to how, there's still much I will never ever get, but I got the alternate, got my plan b... and though it was far stupider then I thought his Fuck you text would be, it was still enough to end the experiment I'd been working for oh so long. Back in September I was at a severe low, I really wanted to not be .. at a loss. Then I stepped out of myself and tore it all to shreds, everything. Pj, Steph, me, Travis, heather, her ex.. so many people to study, though truly it was more travis' take on heather as I knew I'd never meet her. All of us from different backgrounds, different upbringings, status', well almost everything about it all was a perfect ground to observe the actions and reactions of people in love, falling out of love, and the rebuilds In between. How much I've learned is more than I ever imagined possible, but Travis was, by far, the most difficult one to piece together. Some of it may have been admittedly blinded by my belief that he was in fact a good person, but my deep seeded and lingering fears about him proved true, it just took forever to get to em. Now... the hard part of it all is that I was involved in my own experiment, always tempting myself to do or say things I knew beter. I was certainly possessed by a desire for the perfect closure, bulso to finttg the man I knew again, not the nasty dead head he had become. I'm not infalle, I thought somewhere buried in him had to be some pain from duckin me over, but I was thinking my thoughts then. I needed to take myself outta the equation and I couldn't. Just because empathy rules a chunk of my life doesn't mean it does for everyone. Those folks are near impossible for me to understand, I hurt so bad when I do harm to others, or even when someone hurts just cause... I want to do anything possible to make it better... but that's not everyone. I guess in the end I learned the most about this girl right here, and somehow now, I find myself basking in a strange aura of self confidence and a renewed or just new feeling that maybe I am beautiful. I'm damn good at so much, and for once, am not afraid to admit it. My give a shit meter still seems off, but in that happening I no longer have hold backs, no longer have a desire to mask what I feel or need. He taught me more than I'll ever give him credit for, but in doing so, had to put up with me trying to grasp what exactly I learned. And I can say with sincerest hope, that someday, whether or not he realizes or admits it, I did him a world of good too. Maybe he'll second guess his self doubt, maybe just to prove my grim predicted Timon's wrong, he'll strive for the stars... and though I'll never actually find out ... I guess it really doesn't matter.

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