Becki (nitechild) wrote,
Becki
nitechild

So like...

Obviously I don't post all that often, so much happens daily, yet unlike the traumatic ups and down of yesteryears, it all blurs together in a strange wash of color and memories.
Life has been interesting this year. I started a new job, began running (HA, ya- me!) Have only purged twice, and am really beginning to feel as if out of the ashes of a fallen girl has risen an adult woman... at least most of the time. I started this journal 14 years ago tonight, and I feel a strange disconnect from that person who started typing so many years ago. Don't get me wrong, those struggles made me who I am today- my kids, my life- and yet, I can picture myself hiding in my parents basement, so alone and angry at the world, I just want to slap her and yell TRY AND SEE PAST THIS!
I realized this year that I am very much an in the present sort of person, but at that time in my life, I couldn't make sense of the present. It was confusing, I wanted to live and die daily. A confusing flip flop of emotions that still exist, but oh so much more mild now.
And here we are, my daughter on the cusp of her teenage years, and I can't help but wonder what the teenage years and future will be like for her. I need to be encouraging, I need to try and connect, I feel like my struggles can be used to help others get through that era of life so much more smooth... But yet I also have to accept the fact that I am on the other side now, and now I "just don't understand".
I think you are my secret place to show I really do understand, and I much get it.
I do need to write more (like an old friend who I will try to see more often), If not to keep up with my boring day to day life, than to help my next generation see that my struggles are real- and that life does get better.
It's weird to no longer feel true depression, and like the wizard of oz, I think I had the power the world time.... I just didn't see it.
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