Stupid, I feel stupid for believing this place would be better, amazing even.
I was wrong.
It's a joke and I am the butt of it, set up for failure by someone who has never seemed to want me to succeed, and now I won't.
And I know it's up to me to push past, and I will with a couple of pills and a nap.
Being an adult in this day in age is awesome- if you don't want to feel, you don't have to. There is a fix for that.
Sometimes I wonder if it's healthy to have a job that has pushed me to the brink of pill abuse... but not quite, not yet.
And then there's this- over the last few weeks, I've purged twice. No big deal save I was at the year mark.
I purge when I start losing myself, I purge when I need to feel grounded, when I need to feel like myself again, when time needs to stop and I can focus... For one fleeting moment, on the glorious and intensely painful damage I can inflict on myself still. Nearly 20 years after the start.
It's a battle, a constant battle- I can still succeed, but it may not be so easy now.
Because I am the queen of this castle.
Because the home I provide would crumble without me paying the bills.
Because without Becki this world I've created crumbles.
I've allowed myself to take on responsibilities that have pushed me to a hollow edge.
One that's way to easy to leap off of.
And there is my secret- on days like this, in a life that I have created quite nicely.
Where I excel at so much.
Where I learn with ease.
Where I run for joy.
Where I parent with love.
Where I strive for perfection.
A bullet in the brain still seems like an alternative to it all.
Not always but sometimes this creeps up.
Tonight is one of those nights.