Becki (nitechild) wrote,

It's been a long time

And in fact rarely do I need to post here because rarely do I feel this way anymore, but here we are and here I am. Sitting, stewing really in a soupy hot bubble bath trying to get a grip on what the hell is going on with me. To be sure, I get winter blues every year, this isn't new, but I was startling unprepared for how furiously the beast showed itself in 2016.
2015 was an alright year, I finally got myself a fabulous new little car, which brings me an unnatural amount of happiness. I'm not materialistic, I don't seek out things ever, but this little dude drove into my life and it was love at first site. I still hear about the mistake I made buying that car, but something that makes me so happy can't be all that bad I figure!
My kids and family life were nice last year as well. The kids and I vacationed for a week, we did lots of runs and events, they continued to give me a sense of purpose far beyond what I might normally have. They are my rock.
I got certified as a personal trainer, and really began to embrace how amazing fitness is! I met new friends, learn new moves, and gained a level of strength I never thought possible. I felt like a rockstar on dec. 31. So what changed?
And here is where I am at right now. Low, really darn low, looking blankly at a girl who I don't recognize. She's fat, ugly, forgettable, weak, tired, and so damn alone. I have to do a double take, I don't have words to describe her. A disappointment to sit atop an accomplishment beyond anything I have done in a while. I'm dumbfounded, these feelings are like friends you see once every few years, but pick up right where you left off when you are together, so familiar... Like you've never been apart. Why? Why did this hit me so suddenly and why can't I shake it? It's been more than two weeks now, and getting up is becoming a chore, I have a deep rooted urge to run like hell, get away from it all and be myself- though right now I am just not sure who myself is. It is irrational how unwanted I feel right now, every person I see I feel the need to hide from, everyone is better than me. I see people from all walks of life, all ages, races, and I see how they are succeeding when I am failing, badly. I feel so weirdly alone, because this is all quite irrational. At worst, people just don't see me, they most likely don't even care. I'm certain they aren't laughing, so why does it feel like they are? Why do I feel like I'm a burden to everyone, like the world would carry on so smoothly and without a hitch if I simply wasn't. Why is there no in between sometimes? To be smiling while wishing this all would stop now, the thoughts, the self loathing, the desire to hide, why now?
Here's my thoughts on it. I need a major life evaluation. I know what I am meant to do with my life and I know how to get there, but there are major obstacles! There are major risks involved and I would need to push myself harder than I ever have, I'm the only one who can make it reality, but I have kids to support and a household to run. I see there are people who have done it and made it to the other side, but I have no idea how. Right now I feel like I have no one by my side, maybe I don't need anyone, but I feel like it would help. To be encouraged and loved while working toward my ultimate goal that I naively walked away from over a decade ago. To help those in my old shoes living a life of despair because they to feel they'll never live up to their own mile high standards. I know it's what I am meant to do and if I can do it, it may help make sense of my 17 years battle with bulimia. It's something I know I'd be excellent at, that I have a passion for, and that not doing will seriously set my future on a path I'd rather it not go.
So why can't I kick my butt into over drive and go? Is it I just have too much on my plate? Am I afraid of failure? Do I not have a good support network? I don't know, but I wish I did. Where I am at is a loathsome place to be, and doubting everything I do will only make it worse. I need to get past this, and soon....
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