Becki (nitechild) wrote,
Becki
nitechild

countinued

Stupid words really. Some were truthful, but the grand finale was, by far, the most prolificcaly asinine words I have ever heard. I threatened his shell of a life, threw in his face the insecurities he always spoke of, and though it was mean as hell for me to do, I needed to see some emotion regarding me, no matter good or bad. Why? Because I can't stand the notion that I might have meant something to him and he was holding back.... turns out, I didn't mean anything to him, and in fact, there's a real possibility I was a prop to fill the emptiness he felt from yet another departure of heather. His beautiful girlfriend. I don't know much about her. I can't hate the girl, though he did use to tell horror stories of how awful she was... I suspect now it was a lame way to get me to think he didn't like her. I wouldn't have cared actually, it was off putting how quickly he seemed to shed his 6 years with her. I never let him doubt my pain from what happened with PJ, maybe it was a turnoff, but he needed to know that I was hurting. I wasn't going to pretend it didn't happen or that it didn't affect me when it most certainly did. If he really did love me, he'd have understood that. In the end, my final lash out, I just wanted him to hurt, I wanted him to feel even an ounce of the pain I did, I wanted him to hate me, because the other option was living in hope that one day let me be a part of his life again. In texts, it's too easy to misinterpret what you're trying to say, and it's to easy to disregard emotion, or to simply read the words in whomevers voice you want to hear. No longer was it becki and Travis, it was phone verses phone, words verses words... and I truly resented that. If I could've felt the indifference in his voice, I would've left him be, but the resounding I love you... his last words to me as Travis... would not shut up. In a way, I really hated him for that, he said he ruined something beautiful that we had ... but never eluded to how, there's still much I will never ever get, but I got the alternate, got my plan b... and though it was far stupider then I thought his Fuck you text would be, it was still enough to end the experiment I'd been working for oh so long. Back in September I was at a severe low, I really wanted to not be .. at a loss. Then I stepped out of myself and tore it all to shreds, everything. Pj, Steph, me, Travis, heather, her ex.. so many people to study, though truly it was more travis' take on heather as I knew I'd never meet her. All of us from different backgrounds, different upbringings, status', well almost everything about it all was a perfect ground to observe the actions and reactions of people in love, falling out of love, and the rebuilds In between. How much I've learned is more than I ever imagined possible, but Travis was, by far, the most difficult one to piece together. Some of it may have been admittedly blinded by my belief that he was in fact a good person, but my deep seeded and lingering fears about him proved true, it just took forever to get to em. Now... the hard part of it all is that I was involved in my own experiment, always tempting myself to do or say things I knew beter. I was certainly possessed by a desire for the perfect closure, bulso to finttg the man I knew again, not the nasty dead head he had become. I'm not infalle, I thought somewhere buried in him had to be some pain from duckin me over, but I was thinking my thoughts then. I needed to take myself outta the equation and I couldn't. Just because empathy rules a chunk of my life doesn't mean it does for everyone. Those folks are near impossible for me to understand, I hurt so bad when I do harm to others, or even when someone hurts just cause... I want to do anything possible to make it better... but that's not everyone. I guess in the end I learned the most about this girl right here, and somehow now, I find myself basking in a strange aura of self confidence and a renewed or just new feeling that maybe I am beautiful. I'm damn good at so much, and for once, am not afraid to admit it. My give a shit meter still seems off, but in that happening I no longer have hold backs, no longer have a desire to mask what I feel or need. He taught me more than I'll ever give him credit for, but in doing so, had to put up with me trying to grasp what exactly I learned. And I can say with sincerest hope, that someday, whether or not he realizes or admits it, I did him a world of good too. Maybe he'll second guess his self doubt, maybe just to prove my grim predicted Timon's wrong, he'll strive for the stars... and though I'll never actually find out ... I guess it really doesn't matter.
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