Becki (nitechild) wrote,
Becki
nitechild

acknowledge

I spot her in the corner, as if she hadn't always been there... I wasn't surprised, she's been waiting a while, like an old lost love who quietly waits for the moment, the opportunity. She smiles cooly, I glance away nervously... how could I embrace her again when it's been so long, how could I let her into my life, my body, my head? Could I forget the snippets of glorious satisfaction of the life without her? How could I forget that I have prospered without her, even moved on maybe... and yet, there she is, now just out of arms length, eyelashes batting gingerly, her hand inches from mine. " I'm always here for you" she soothes, knowing full and well I've had a bad week. " I know" my flat voice resonates, temptation at my fingertips... I want her, I've always wanted her. "Life without me, she callously inquires, how is it? Her gentle voice possess a dominating air, " do you enjoy it?" I shrug, I don't know how to answer. Maybe I miss her too much, maybe she knows that. We dance, I sense she can guess how I feel, how I want her so bad it hurts. " I saw you" she continued" feeling your hips your ribs, I saw you measuring your legs, was I mistaking, was I not being summonsed here?" I self consciously grab myself and withdrawal ... why was she always waiting for me... could an alcoholic never have a beer ever? Could a heroin addict never have a shot... can I not just have a taste? Just a feel? Maybe I just want to feel the bones for a second, I don't think I can fight her again. When she's good to me, I feel so amazing, but when she starts dominating me, nothing else in my life matters but her. Everything sits on the back burner as I let her lead me down a path to hell. I run away, but she's in hot pursuit, screaming as the wind rips through the long tresses of my rusty black hair. " who never turns her back on you huh? Who never ignores you, never lies to you? Who has never left you alone at night? Never left you wondering if you're good enough? Who holds you when you're down? Shows you the way to medicate the pain, never resents you when you leaves, always welcomes you back no matter how many times you turn away? Who has been with you longer then anyone ever becki??? Who?" Her beautiful voice didn't skip a beat... I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes shutting tightly as I try desperately to catch my breath. She's right of course, that beautiful seductress, that wonderful angel of death who always asks me to give her just a little. Cautiously I take a step toward her. " last year with you was hell!!!! Didn't you see me writhing, couldn't you tell my pain? I have kids mia, I can't run to you everytime I hurt just a little! How can I feel whole with you controlling me??"
" how can you feel whole without me?" She knows my weaknesses, plays on em. " think of the people who always hurt you, never want you, cheat on you... did they make you feel whole? Did they make you happy?"
" once in a while, or once upon a time... yes" I'm losing the fight.
" and then?"
" I turn to you..." my eyes lower, my back sags a limitless, my hands play nervously with the ends of my hair..
" walk beside me luv" she reaches her hand toward mine.
" no promises," I sigh as we begin to walk in step.
" not from me becki," she looks deep into my dulling eyes, the greeshish marbles that lead straight to my soul. " just you and me?" Her whisper is sexually charged, raspy.
" just you and me babe..." I trail off as we traverse into the night. It's a road I shouldn't be walking, a road so well worn I can see fresh footprints from just a few months back, I know it so well, but I don't care. Together we've been for so long, how could I deny this gift?
Yes, I'm addicted to her, nothing else but her. I can't promise a full commitment, I don't even have to try... it is what it is, and nothing more... no worries though, she loves me and I her. Loves really all I've ever needed. Just to be loved.
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