Becki (nitechild) wrote,

Posting a ramble

So I kinda feel like this may be important for me now, and hopefully in the future, so I really do hope to do it more often. I need to start fully disecting and accepting myself, who I am and what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be more positive, selfishly, for me. I know my kids should be the goal, and ultimately, I believe they will be, for being a true functioning adult should and hopefully will in turn lead us to be a more complete and happy felling. Funny, lots of this started with my coworker pointing out that all I ever want to do is nap or sleep. I have to admit, I am guilty of this, and even moreso, I have to admit the reason I have been so dedicated to sleeping lately. Time, passage of it, and the idea that eventually it will be my downfall is the biggest reason. I have nothign to look forward to, so I sleep, nothing going for me, so I sleep, the desire to pass what time I have in a state of unconscienceness is overwhelming. Sleep is an outlet to which I am addicted. I play out my days, my memories or my stories in my head as I wait for that moment where all is released and I am passed out. Ultimately, I feel it is a deathwish. Why? Why is it that I feel each and everyday that I am on a path leading me straight toward the edge. It's not really thoughts of suicide so much as it is the desire just to get this over with. What could possibly be my reasoning for depriving myslef the desire to live? It's leading to a rebirth of my eating issues, leading to a rebirth of self loathing and a rebirth of the feeling that the only true happiness I will ever feel is by giving someone else something I know I myself will never recieve. It's not really living at all. I strive to go to work each day, but when I amthere, I find myself drifting towards the desire to be home, to once again be sleeping, it really is the only place right now I feel really comfortable... I need to know the answer. I find myself drifting towards and resurrecting the summer fling that has admittedly left me more damaged than I would like to admit. I'm not going to say it shouldn't have happened, but why did I let it haunt me even to this day. When travis said I was an addict, he was truely accurate, but I'm sure he knew little about what it was I was searching for in my addiction, or what my addiction actually was. I say first and formost, even from very early on, it wasn't him I was after, it was the abandon he gave me, the fact that I was happy in our time together, and that is something I can say I have never really felt. But it wasn't him that was making me happy, it was me, he just happened to be the outlet for the joy I was finally letting myself feel. When he was out of the picture, I worried, accurately, that I would no longer let myself smile, cause without the gentle push he provided, I felt I would slip right back into the rut I had or have grown so accustomed to. Self loathing and eating... these are my addictions. I need to feel like less of a person then maybe I should because it is where I am most comfortable. If I strive toward nothing, I can't lose can I? If I no I am out only to make other peoples lives worth while, then who cares if I never strive toward the stars, if I give my all to everyone else, yet die in the process, is that not martyrdom, is that not truely divine? It delves into that glorious question of what life is actually about and what is successful. What is the purpose, who sets the rules... are there any rules? Morals, kindness, the golden rule... Aren't these all man made ideals that are set up simply to make coexistance easier? A part of me, a cynical side has to agree, but looking at the bigger picture, looking at the world, there certainly is a preditor and prey system, but it functions on such a fluid scope of natural harmony. Are morals mans interpration or nature? What I say, my beliefs, and maybe what I do to survive are my personal standars, they are what I expect out of life, and no one else's. It's an odd concept to grasp, but it's my own, so I really do need to. Discovering my personal meaning of life is the set of standards I need to live by, and it's the only way I will flourish. This summer I did get to see what that happy thing was all about, and I am incensed with myself that I often believe it isn't possible for me to ever feel that way again... Why wouldn't it be unless I am keeping myself from discovering it? If I met a guy and fell for him, why couldn't I do it again. I feel like my psat is a burden, who could read this wonderful journal and not think I was crazy? But I'm not. I suppose if someone really loved me, they would be able to accept about me what it is I can't change, and maybe, hopefully, want to work with me to change the things I can. The past is over, there is no dwelling. On that, I am striving. It surely would have been nice to have more answers from Travis... Or so I think, but even that I question now. I think it took me understanding that it wasn't him that made me feel, but myself, and quite possibly his answers were as useless as dwelling on the past. He didn't love me, I thought I loved him... It was not an equal plane. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't love me... And that's that. Then I think to pj and his role in my life past, present and future. I have taken note that the closer him and I get, the more ravenous my eating disorder becomes.... Why is that? Is it I am falling back into my caretaker role, that I am regressing? That the closer I get to that life again, the further I get from the happiness I now know is possible? How he acts when I mention paul kills me. Chosing between a friend and an estranged husband is beyond uncomfortable. I love them both in very different ways. I am almost 30, why should I have to choose? I can't and won't, friendships can be hard to come by, I can't lose a friend... I won't. I miss texting travis. More than anything him and I had, I miss the friendship. I often wonder if we would've controlled ourselves, if we could've learned more from each other than we did. I bet so. We both opened ourselves up, both showed our flaws, and seemingly, both enjoyed talking about ways to change, or to be better people. That's really what I have hated losing... The thought of losing paul too, I just don't wanna deal with that. Realationships, I have learned, need to be entered with caution, and as of right now, I just don't think I am comfortable with myself in life to accept another into my arms... I'd much rather just have em by my side. Which leads me to another point. Drugs, specifically weed. I seem incapable of finding friends that don't get high... Frequently. I find myself slipping in that regard too (although no where near everyday), but I'm not sure why. It seems to me almost a 'if you can't fight em, join em' attitude. Everyone I know that smokes daily seems to think this is a wonder drug. No one admits it's addicting, no one sees any issue with doing it daily. I almost wanted to again, one because it reminds me of the good old days when I did have piles and piles of friends, and two because so many people seem to free themselves of meaningful thought when they are high (though on this point I have to argue, at least for me, my anxities come back tenfold the next day, which is why I suppose so many people do it sun up to sun down) No one seems to have a legit reason for their daily smoking, yet oftentimes have no desire not to. I don't really get it. But maybe I need to stop trying to get it. It's not me, they are not me. Travis isn't me, jim isn't me, paul isn't me, pj isn't me... I am me. I find fault in it for my own personal reasons. I believe altering your state of mind daily is an excellent way to avoid what it is you need to be facing up to whether or not you even see it. When I first started smoking again, it was a great way to help me sleep. Why wasn't I sleeping? I had to much on my mind, why did I have to much on my mind? Cause a lot was happening and I could only deal with so much at a time. Smoking and sleeping was and sometimes is far easier than planning for tomorrow... And in the end tomorrow's planning is up to me and only me, and I feel it may just be time I step up to the challange and take the reigns....
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