Becki (nitechild) wrote,

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The impressions

I find it odd and rather ponderable that once someone has cozied themselves into my mind, once I have an idea of who that person is, who is underneath the cover of daily life, I can't seem to move away from said opinion. there are several people in my life I wonder about often, all lost to me now, but at one time... Were very close to me. The rumors, the words about these people are meaningless, and they could tell me to fuck off time and time again, and I would never fully leave because... well, that's where I am stuck. I thrive off life stories, off the snippet of the world we can only get through other peoples eyes... People have a strange tendency to open up to me in ways I could never image, people tell me things maybe I'd be better left without, but in these insights, I get glimpses into a person in a perfect world. Who would you be without the daily dredge that is life, who would you be without the comforts and strains of what has become normal to you?? Is it possible I can decipher some of these questions based on nothing other then peoples flaws and shortcomings... Or maybe it's the reaction, the confessions that give away the person underneath. I believe you can't look at someone who is doing harm to themselves and/or others and judge blindly. There's a past that has led up to that point, a past most people are willing happily to over look and only focus on the now... I rarely focus on the now... Someone isn't who they are today based on what happened today. It's days, months, years of stories behind each and every soul. If I were to think I have a gift, that would be what it is. I try to look beyond the face talking to me, imagine their family christmases, their first day of school, I imagine their first car, their first love. What was their first sexual experience, were they afraid, are they afraid of showing themselves. What is it about our past that so few want to know about. It's true it's unchangable, but is it not also true that it is the dough that formed who we are now? I never shy away from telling my inner stories, and in return, i been blessed (or cursed) tenfold. I'd go to install a computer and find out about someones dream car, their child dying, their divorce. I sat on airplanes and heard stories of abuse and triumph, heard tales at the grocery store about someone who'd just been in a car accident, just had a baby or a miscarrige... It's all life, and it seems so many want to open up and so few ears want to hear. With mindy, she was the best friend I could ever have. Her story would fill my journal tenfold, and yet... Am I suppose to look away until she dies? Is that what the right thing to do is, or could I find a way to make her see that she is worth it, and despite a horrid past, she can close a glass door to it. I know it's possible, she can't hide it, but she doesn't need to open it either. No one knows her like I do, no one else wants to stand by her side, I've always been willing. I've noticed this crap has got me into rather annoing situations also. If I could change one thing about what happened with me and T, that would be it. He opened up to me much like everyone else does, maybe I was just needed to get the shit out he needed to say, sometimes holding things in is like a giant confession wanting to get out. I think about it a lot. Because in letting people open up, I open myself up too... And sometimes people don't want what comes behind my 30 year old body, sometimes people don't want my stories and my struggles.... If there is one lesson I am trying to keep in my heart it would be to do things for people and help people as much as possible for the joy of doing it but.... Never never ever expect it in return, I believe there isn't anyone I have met yet who is quite like me... Which is a good thing, and a bad thing. Two people of my mindset, two people with this peculiar insight, two people always willing to look deeper would disrupt the flow of the world. Maybe there is one me per ever so many miles and we can't seem to stay in touch for more then a second... I'm sure we'd create magic, a utopia of the open minds... And in doing that.... Hmmm
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