Becki (nitechild) wrote,
Becki
nitechild

I'm down

What a surprise, right? It's so strange how damaged I feel right now, that something split inside of me, and the part of me that was always smiling to the rest of the world is somehow broken. I was too trusting of everyone in my life at one point or another, now it's complete confusion. I can't get this one, I can't see the other point of view. My appetite is waning, my emotions are draining, I have this familiar urge to run. To run and not look back, to begin a life I've never had or to give myself a chance to be nothing more than self sufficient. It's such an unrealistic goal, but it sounds so warm, so comforting. Once again, I naively put my faith in the wrong people, and once again i lashed out. I had to, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I couldn't focus. There are no winners and losers, just losers, and I am the biggest one of all. Everyone always thinks they have the answers, everyone always knows their knowledge is the right knowledge... So few look at the prospect that maybe they are wrong. I believe more than anything that ellen and nathan needed to learn, needed to do this on their own, but no... And in me standing my ground, everything collapsed around it. I still have my ground, my little section of the world I created, but everyone outside that small bubble is a blur right now. People I may have ran to before, I stare at with grim reproach, how will this person hurt me, I wonder. Nothing does me as good as feeling like I have been a burden, and in my past being shoved in my face, the emotion surges with a new strength. If i could shed my name and become one of the characters I have created, if i could look in the mirror and have the super strength of the world staring back at me, could i erase all the memories and become a child again. What if I have no regrets because I have learned my very existence is a regret, what if the raging anger i have felt is a suppressed surge of the lack of caring I received most of my childhood. How much of who i am is a damaged version of the baby I was? And what purpose do I serve? My thought is now, that i need to guard myself and my children, as if god himself has become a foe to me and I need to do nothing but preserver and protect. There's so much thought that comes with blinding rage, so much hurt. I feel like I am in a tornado, there's a chance I'll come out unscathed, but only if i can produce a stronger force than the twister i am surrounded by. Maybe I am the regret of my parents. Maybe I was damned from the get go. I've felt so out of place lately, I can't know what the best thing to do is, even if my life depends on it. I feel lost. To lost, this has got to stop or i have no clue what's going to happen. I feel so defensive now, nearly paranoid, who else is going to try to take from my small reserve. It's a learned response, Everyone knows i will give until i have nothing more to give, and I've reached that point time and time again. And now i have nothing left to offer, and now no one wants me. That's how it works I suppose....
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