Becki (nitechild) wrote,

la blah

So I sit in my ever present quandry that has become my daily routine. Torn by the desire to quit or carry on, trying hard to focus on that which makes me feel good as opposed to falling into old habits... I'm not doing so great. 2015 has gotten off to a rough start, all related to work and work alone- I've let it drag me to my dark zone, where bulima and self destruction show their smiling faces- a zone which I had all but squashed throughout 2014. I cannot let myself give up, but I am seriously struggling to go on as normal. This is truly a unique circumstance for me because it is the only facet in my life where unhappiness reins. I've been seriously considering anti-depressants. They seem like the lesser of my current evils- xanax has been giving me my daily push, and on multiple occasions, one hasn't been enough. I've purged more times this year then the last 8 months combined, and cigarettes are trying to muscle into my daily routine. I can't quite express the rage I'm feeling from the let down. I know I haven't been spectacular, but I didn't expect this- with no warnings and no sitdowns before being told it was a mistake hiring me for this position. What motivation does that give me to try? Why would I care to prove myself when 8 months of working there got me nowhere? When I've only heard the negatives, so it's easy to assume there are no positives. I KNOW that isn't true, but that's only speaking for myself, and if I can't convince anyone otherwise, what good am I? I need to force myself to strive to be better, but not at the cost of my happiness. No job is worth my life. I feel like I was sold shit- this was a letdown painted in gold. The money is decent- but I'm not the most money motivated- I am VERY motivated by the feelings of being trusted and relied on. That, I am not... Sigh.
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