Becki (nitechild) wrote,

How Odd for a Monday

It's strange to me how insanely inadequate I feel today- like a 30 something who would be better at filling the role of an angsty teenager. I made one of my famously un-thought out attempts at self betterment, which once again left me with a nasty surge of intense failure. Well, technically not failure- just not really great at anything.

I look at myself now and barely get a glimpse of the person I was once, and yet there is still unfinished emotional business that needs to be tended too. There has to be a part of me that learns that failure is needed to grow- though I really haven't grown much in years. At least financially speaking.

Herein lies the problem, my career is so stagnant and what I love to do isn't yet paying the bills. I stupidly walked into a situation that I already knew the outcome, only to be reminded that I am not that good. Not awful, just not good. I know better than to do such things, and yet I did anyway.

Then, I placed trust in those whom it'd be better served to avoid- I cannot and should not have adult friends. Siblings can be a safe ground for the most part, but outside friends only lead to me feeling even worse. Once again, this isn't new- and yet, I always secretly hope I'll find connection with someone. I won't. I can't because to do so would mean changing huge aspects about myself that I don't encounter often enough to realize I need to work on... Until of course it's too late. :|

So tonight, my goal is to sleep and hopefully shake away the burden of my inadequacies. Maybe if I slowed down for a minute, I could recoup and move forward. Next time I think to do something this dumb, I tried to re-read the fact that I am not, and will never be worth more than where I am right now- and realize life as okay is better than putting my neck on the line for the off chance of improvement.
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