Becki (nitechild) wrote,

Another turn in the road

So this is my last week working for boeing. That's something I am both super excited for, and also a little depressed. I know it's really what I want to do, but as everyone knows about me, I really do fear change. There is always that small thought, the scare that this is somthing tha tI will not be able to do well, a fear I had with every new job I have ever started. I know I will do this well, but lordy I am going to miss everyone I have met along the way at boeing. It's funny to me that I am about the only one there that really wasn't looking to much to find a new job, I was complacent, but the advantages of this new opportunity far outweigh the disadvantages, I will finally be able to see a doctor again, I will finally know how much my checks are going to be for, no more fear of only getting a few hundred bucks, no dry spell for christmas. And although I was lamenting not having the break between christmas and new years, normally by the end of that break, I feel really useless. I know that I will be my hardest critic on the road ahead, I beat myself up more then anyone else could, I hope I can relax a bit and just have fun. I am hoping to streat school this summer, if I am making forward progress toward my future, I know it will give me more momentum now.
Pj and I are doing well, I am cautiously optimistic about us. Sure this is yet another reconnection of a broken chain, but maybe there is a reason for all this, maybe all this had to happen to get me over a major hurdle I have within myself. I am making progress, I can tell. 2011 changed me profoundly in ways that I never thought possible, and yet... I think in the end, all the changes are for the positive, no longer do I blindly take advice, no longer do I nod my head in agreement even if i don't agree. My lows haven't been as low. I have also begun making peace with parenting, which is something I never thought I would do. I am the first to admit I have feared the times that the kids and I have endless days with just us. I am trying with a decent amount of success to face this head on. It's a journey I often have to traverse solo, but I have to say, the fact that pj actually seems to want to help more has helped a lot. We are like magnets toward each other, sometimes we are drawn together with intensity, but occasionally the other side is turned and no force in the universe will push us together. I am not sure if it's a good thing or not, maybe I don't really care. We get along well right now, so I will count my blessings, and at the same time harden myself just a bit and slightly prepare for the downfall. It may or may not come, but I am not an idiot, and I will do what is bewst for me, because I am the main thing I need to focus on (the kids are a close second, but I need to make sure I am who I need to be to be the best parent I can be for them.) So life moves on. I'm a little fearful of summer, there are so many stinking memories i still deal with on a daily basis. From the awful moment where I found out about pj and steph, to the eventual downfall of travis and I, it all still pops in my head often. Swallowing it all has been hard to say the least. I hope as the days go on it will all fade into a minimal scar, though I doubt I will ever fully recover from it all. My hope is that years from now I can come back and read my journal with a silly smile while thinking how much better my life is now then it was then. It'll happen if I let it, and I am really gunna try. This is all I got, I gotta make the best of it, I just hope that I can try and keep passing ships in my life as positive as possible. Some will stay near and others will keep on sailing, but only I can know which is best.
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