Becki (nitechild) wrote,

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Things are so new... so weird. This is about the end of my first week at my new job, and I hope I continue to enjoy it as much as I do now. Working for a small company make things so different, I do actually matter. My suggestions can help change a whole a product, my support can affect who we retain... It's so weird. I have a buisness look, have to give off a buisness vibe, and I have to say the feeling is totally new to me. I am actually proud of myself, how flawlessly I have made my transition, and I can't help but look around and wonder how I got here. I didn't do anything special to get where I am at, I have just been me, a very determined me, but me nonetheless. It's compelling how obvious it is that my determination and drive got me where I am at right now, and I have to take a step back and realize that not everyone can do what I have done, and not everyone can push themselves like I have.... through it all I am forced to admit that I am better then I have given myself credit for in the past. I know many folks who actually did complete high school, some even college that do not have what I have (not material things) It's very strange to me. Believe in myself............. Is this something that I am capable of, or is it another small break between breakdowns. I am always drwan to the latter half of 2011. I thought honestly the if ever I was to snap, it'd be then. A few select people kept me going, but I suppose that is the disadvantage of where I am at. Each and every time I hit a low, I find it harder and harder to talk about, like I need to live up to this ideal that people have of me that I am the cheerful chipper person they always see. Int his facebook world, in this buisness world, in this fast paced world, we are not suppose to slice open out bodies and let our souls bleed.... but we all need to, I need. here my dear LJ, you will never judge me, look down on my or expect too much from me. Dangit, you keep me going to but... Also keep me tied to that damaged 17 year old I was when I created you. don't think I haven't thought about deleting this.... but not yet, maybe never, I draw to much from reading the past... and as I always tell you, it's forever proof I've beat the odds before.
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